I have a severe survivor's guilt. Every day, hundreds of thousands of people die, all in a variety of ways. Some are expected, others are horrible and sudden. Tragic violence by one group to another and by one person to another. Brutal accidents that leave nothing but death in their wake...and yet, I'm still alive. For some reason, I'm still alive. I don't know why. Why am I still here? Why hasn't it been me yet? This thought haunts me daily. I'm probably far worse than many of the dead, so why am I still here? What do I have left to offer?
It's not that I'm wishing for death, per se. It's more that the workings of Death confound me. God chooses who He chooses to go, I just don't know why He still has me here.
Even more, why does he love me (and all of us) so? This also haunts me, for I don't feel deserving of even a morsel of that love. I can barely comprehend person-to-person love, much less that kind of infinite love. It both confuses and frightens me because of it's size.
...And so, I see that in all my possessions and in my wants there lies no gain. No real value. Utter vanity. In God, there lies true existence. A reality more real than the Game of Lies and Veils that we play on a daily basis.
I pray for clarity. I pray for wisdom. I pray for guidance. I pray for peace.
