The Fifth

I have a severe survivor's guilt. Every day, hundreds of thousands of people die, all in a variety of ways. Some are expected, others are horrible and sudden. Tragic violence by one group to another and by one person to another. Brutal accidents that leave nothing but death in their wake...and yet, I'm still alive. For some reason, I'm still alive. I don't know why. Why am I still here? Why hasn't it been me yet? This thought haunts me daily. I'm probably far worse than many of the dead, so why am I still here? What do I have left to offer?

It's not that I'm wishing for death, per se. It's more that the workings of Death confound me. God chooses who He chooses to go, I just don't know why He still has me here.

Even more, why does he love me (and all of us) so? This also haunts me, for I don't feel deserving of even a morsel of that love. I can barely comprehend person-to-person love, much less that kind of infinite love. It both confuses and frightens me because of it's size.

...And so, I see that in all my possessions and in my wants there lies no gain. No real value. Utter vanity. In God, there lies true existence. A reality more real than the Game of Lies and Veils that we play on a daily basis.

I pray for clarity. I pray for wisdom. I pray for guidance. I pray for peace.

The Fourth Point Five

I'm at an odd point in my life. There's no other way to describe it. I'm at my lowest point in terms of artistic creativity, but in terms of relations with other people I'm at my highest. I'm at this at place where I'm between two major points in life: Childhood and Adulthood. Within the next three or four years I'll be living on my own. I am learning to truly embrace people in a real sense, but at the same time I'm truly realizing their transience. At once life is both beautiful and horrible. I've learned to take the good with the bad.

It's an odd thing that even through our most tragic moments we can learn and gain Good from it. Perhaps this is why the idea of Grace has always been a challenge for me to accept. The idea of Nullification of Sin. Forgiveness. Those are hard for me to understand. My forgiveness up to this point had been mostly some justified sense of apathy. Instead of forgiving or even seeking to punish those who wronged me, I just simply chose to not care. I see now the power, potency, and importance of true Forgiveness. So, being in this position where I can really help someone, I have less reservations of doing it because I know of the good that God can bring out of it. The "good" being His Glory. This is what I want.

The Fourth

Where do I begin on discussing what I feel. I can start with the word "Open." That's pretty close to what I feel. I had to sit down and examine myself and what I came to is this: I've been a Lukewarm Christian my entire life. Even during my most "devout" moments. I find it shameful, for last night I truly felt burdened for Christ. Truly, for the first time in my life, I felt the tug upon my Heart. It's not as though this moment was the first time I believed in God, or Christ, or any of the Christian beliefs, but it's more that it truly became a real thing to me. More real than anything.

Does doubt still poke at the back of my mind sometimes? Yes. I cannot and will not deny that fact, but, I do not entertain such thoughts. I know what I have seen. I know what I have experienced. I am convinced of Christ, both in Heart and Mind.

So, from here, the question is this: what now? I shall try to live like Christ: sacrificially for His glory. Death of Self, Rebirth in Christ. Unity and Love with the Creator.

The Third

I'm here again in what I call "The In-Between." One would think I'd be more comfortable with this place, but it never gets comfortable. I don't know what will happen next and part of me doesn't want to know. A rather large part. I find myself awash in my insecurities again, but, perhaps that's normal in situations like this. Yet, this one feels completely different...for one, I'm far more experienced as far as life goes, so this isn't too foreign and uncomfortable. Secondly, I feel like I can avoid a lot of the mistakes I made the last time I visited this emotional pit I'm in. I certainly don't want to make those mistakes again.

The Second

Relationships (and this should really go without saying) are difficult. And odd. And confusing. Almost as much as time travel, except not so timey-wimey or wibbly-wobbly. There are so many different things to say on this subject. So many different ways for me to elaborate on what I feel, yet I fear that they won't be exact enough. She makes me feel so well inside. So comforted, and it's with this I know she is a gift.

I find myself tired, in more ways than one. Yet I know the Lord will provide the strength I need. It's at this point I will stop, for I need sleep. 

The First Point Five

I'll take responsibility for all of it. I know my missteps as a leader. I know my shortcomings, but with God as my witness, I will do my best to make up for them, through Him. I'm going to Go For It from now on. No more running. No more hiding. No more fear that failure just around the corner. I know the Great Truth in this: you can't make an omelet without breaking a few eggs. God, be with me. 

The First

This really isn't a matter of uncertainty. It's more a matter of endurance. We're both in this together, she and I, and we hope and pray for the best throughout it. The next thing to examine is my life, and it's examined by the question "Where am I?" I don't know how to completely answer that. I could comment on my status with the people I know. I could comment on my walk with God...yet, I'll instead say this: I am but a Man. My weaknesses are more than apparent. Yet, I will strive for Him, despite my faults and fears. I'll strive to be the best I can for her. I'll just strive to be the best I can...