The Fourth Point Five

I'm at an odd point in my life. There's no other way to describe it. I'm at my lowest point in terms of artistic creativity, but in terms of relations with other people I'm at my highest. I'm at this at place where I'm between two major points in life: Childhood and Adulthood. Within the next three or four years I'll be living on my own. I am learning to truly embrace people in a real sense, but at the same time I'm truly realizing their transience. At once life is both beautiful and horrible. I've learned to take the good with the bad.

It's an odd thing that even through our most tragic moments we can learn and gain Good from it. Perhaps this is why the idea of Grace has always been a challenge for me to accept. The idea of Nullification of Sin. Forgiveness. Those are hard for me to understand. My forgiveness up to this point had been mostly some justified sense of apathy. Instead of forgiving or even seeking to punish those who wronged me, I just simply chose to not care. I see now the power, potency, and importance of true Forgiveness. So, being in this position where I can really help someone, I have less reservations of doing it because I know of the good that God can bring out of it. The "good" being His Glory. This is what I want.

The Fourth

Where do I begin on discussing what I feel. I can start with the word "Open." That's pretty close to what I feel. I had to sit down and examine myself and what I came to is this: I've been a Lukewarm Christian my entire life. Even during my most "devout" moments. I find it shameful, for last night I truly felt burdened for Christ. Truly, for the first time in my life, I felt the tug upon my Heart. It's not as though this moment was the first time I believed in God, or Christ, or any of the Christian beliefs, but it's more that it truly became a real thing to me. More real than anything.

Does doubt still poke at the back of my mind sometimes? Yes. I cannot and will not deny that fact, but, I do not entertain such thoughts. I know what I have seen. I know what I have experienced. I am convinced of Christ, both in Heart and Mind.

So, from here, the question is this: what now? I shall try to live like Christ: sacrificially for His glory. Death of Self, Rebirth in Christ. Unity and Love with the Creator.